My interpretation in italics.
Dear Valued Residents Dear Suckers,
As you all know we are planning renovations of the property and apartment homes here at [the apartment building]. We said so in June. Finally, a critical number of you have decided to move out in the next 30-60 days because of our deplorable actions. Renovations on the vacant units are scheduled to start on Monday, September 19th in certain areas of the building. It will be all over the building, starting directly next to your bedroom wall. Construction hours are 8 am – 6pm on weekdays. After about three days, they will start hammering at 6:15. There may be some weekend construction days as well. Hope you don’t plan on sleeping in. Ever.
Additionally, we will be making repairs to the roof because the buckets of water on the third floor and a second-floor light well are kinda ridiculous. In order to ensure that all homes are waterproof, this work will be done in sections each day. Note that we don’t give times for this. You better go to bed at sunset.
Be aware that this may be a noisy process. This is a pre-emptive “Stop complaining.” Due to this, construction will be limited to the above hours to help limit disturbance to the residents here at [the apartment building]. You know and I know this is a total lie.
If you are interested in transferring into an updated home, send an email to [us]. If you haven’t decided to move out, now’s your chance. I will be more than happy to schedule tours of the model once it is completed. Your rent is going to SKYROCKET. Seriously, you’ll find a better deal somewhere else.
Beginning on Monday September 19th, office hours will be Monday – Friday from 10am – 6pm. Now that the riff-raff has started to move out, we’ll actually start having customer service instead of saying 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. and not showing up.
If you have any follow up questions, please do not hesitate to contact the leasing office at [phone number and email]. We’ll actually start returning calls and emails, too. Our new tenants, who most likely will not include you, deserve the best!
Actually, I’m looking forward to how this building turns out. It was one of the original lofts in Manchester and never got completed properly. There is a lot of unused space downstairs, mostly because of the tactics that led the original developers to go to federal prison. We tenants came in here knowing of the shortcomings, so it’s a little disappointing that someone wants to come in and do the job right but encouraging us to leave was part of the equation.
Them’s da breaks.
(At least our new place is awesome.)